Nudist Party, July 3rd, 2011

High Exposure

Warning: This entry retells an experience at a nudist/swinger event where I had to play solo piano/sing. For the simple sake of making sure that I don’t forget the details myself over time, I’m going to make this post as accurate as possible. There is adult material here, so if you’re under 18, don’t read this post. Likewise, if you don’t want to hear me talk about male and female genitalia, don’t read this post. If you don’t want to read about sexual acts, don’t read this post. But if you want some real vivid details about what the nudist/swinger underground society is like…enjoy!

It all begins with a phone call Sunday offering directions to the location. No address, just step by step instructions on how best to get there. So I follow the directions and arrive at the designated location not knowing what to expect. I pull into a fairly long, heavily wooded circular driveway, packed with cars on all sides. There must have been 50-70 cars at the house, including Corvettes, a Prowler, motorcycles, and other newer looking vehicles, which was a bit of a relief because now I’m pretty sure I’m not at some raunchy hillbilly sex fest. There’s no one around, but I can definitely hear voices on the other side of the house, so I approach the locked front door and ring the doorbell. A heavy set woman answers the door in nothing more than a long shirt (I’m thankful for the length). Going into this, I received a few warnings that nudists are not especially attractive people, if not downright hideous, and I hate to say she fit the bill. Seeing this woman caused a bit of concern about the upcoming parade of “ugly stick” beatings I was expecting to see when I ventured towards the main event. Regardless, I introduced myself and asked to talk to the owner, who we’ll name “Bob” for the sake of privacy. The woman walks me through the house, where I see clothed people cooking or watching TV, and out onto the patio…

Before I get onto the patio I see my first view of what’s to come, a middle aged woman, topless, relaxing with a cigarette and a pair of gigantic breasts. I’d describe her as being on the good side of ugly. But hey, I’ve been to Europe, I’ve seen topless beaches, no worries here, just keep walking and don’t remove the sunglasses I’ve purposely kept on. The house is actually quite large and has a great piece of property behind it. The patio I stepped out onto was on the second floor of the house in relation to the back yard, so I was able to get a pretty good view of the lay of the land, among other things. I saw in front of me a huge pool with an enclosure built around it, like a large tent. To it’s left, a patio with lawn chairs and a Jacuzzi, on the far side was sand volley ball, and to it’s right another Jacuzzi, showers, and a two tiered brick patio that opened up into the yard. It’s really a nice place to have a party…just not a great place to view one.

So my escort walks me onto the patio and starts looking for “Bob”, yelling out his name, trying to alert him to my arrival. It’s at that point a man in his mid fifties walks up the stairs on to the patio and introduces himself as the man I’ve been speaking with on the phone. He’s wearing a hat and…nothing else. I don’t shake his hand. I’m taken at this point to my eventual location, which is on the higher of the two-tiered brick patios and am introduced to “Bill”, the resident DJ and caretaker of the house. “Bill” helps me work out the logistics, runs power, and found an umbrella to offer some shade seeing as I was placed in direct sunlight, and is thankfully fully clothed. He’s a super laid back guy, really accommodating, and seemed excited that I was there, so it was nice to have a bit of a roadie for a while.

As I continue to assess my situation and take inventory of my surroundings, behind me there are three things. First, a photo booth on the patio I just came from, a room that I avoided at all costs. Second, a Jacuzzi. And third, for who knows what reason, two baby goats. Don’t ask me why, but there were literally two baby goats screaming behind me, I was told they were 4 days old. So I’m seeing people bringing bottles from the house to feed the goats with which is weird enough in itself. But I got my first true taste of what I was in for when a naked woman, who had just been feeding the goats, approached Bill the roadie and complained about getting the goat milk on her chest. Bill then began to lick the unwelcome liquid from her breast…I continued to set up on my own.

Walking in and out of the house as I brought my gear to the patio, I noticed telling sign posted to the front door, which read “Thanks for cumming, please cum again”. Yeah, so this definitely isn’t my usual gig. I successfully move all my gear through the house without brushing against any appendages and get set up and ready to play. Bill kills the music that he’s been playing from his DJ booth and introduces me as the “Amazing Mike on Piano” (a name that Bob came up with for me while he was sitting naked feeding the goats). Show time.

I originally told Bob my show can be any number of things, we can do jazz and make it background music, pop music, or try to get people singing along, which is generally my goal for private entertaining. I had another microphone set up for people to sing into, along with my lyric books set out on a table in front of me. My first request was from a naked old man who wanted to sing “Night and Day”, but then he couldn’t remember the lyrics and decided not to go for it. So I figured I’d gauge the audience and see what did and didn’t work. In looking around, to be honest, I was surprised by the people I saw, most of which were decent looking people ranging from late twenties to mid forties, and then your smattering of old naked guys - not even close to the warnings everyone had given me (granted, there were still certainly a few who fit the bill). Maybe half are fully naked, while others ranged from fully clothed to bathing suits. Some suits however, were only designed to accentuate what should otherwise be covered up…so I saw some styles I wasn’t previously aware existed. Anyway, I’m playing some tunes on the first set, and I’d say my role turned more towards background music. There wasn’t much involvement, but I think that’s because people were busy doing other things…

…namely, eachother. Yes, there was no doubt, I saw people having sex out in the yard. There was a group of people on the lower tier patio, amongst whom one couple decided oral sex was a good idea. And when the BJ started, the surrounding people make a joke about it, quick laugh, and then the woman gets back to business. But that wasn’t too bad compared to her turning around and then letting him go for the rim job, followed by some slow motion fingering. I was wishing for darker sunglasses as they seemed to approach their own Arabian goggles. Over the course of the evening I’m sure I saw no less than four different BJs, a healty collection of general groping, along with the less frequent full on intercourse for the couples who just didn’t bother with investing the time into finding an area out of view. Meanwhile, there’s a table set up next to me selling different novelty items…I wonder if there was a refund policy?

Set one finishes and the pig roast is ready, dinner time. I venture down into the yard where they just finished roasting the pig and I ask where the plates are. One guy pulling the pork apart says everything is being served in the pool area, but then tells me “don’t be shy” and shoves a piece of pork in my face (which in all honesty, might have been the best way for me to receive the pork). So I turn and walk towards the pool (pork in hand), which brings me along side the volleyball area, where I notice that the volleyball “ready position” is extremely unfortunate to view from behind. I was thankful that my piano setup had me at an angle where I couldn’t see this “balls out” game. While walking into the pool area, I quickly become aware of how difficult it is to negotiate a path through the party. Although it wasn’t packed, there was a constant fear of someone turning around at the wrong time and accidentally (maybe) slapping you with their schlong. I got in line behind three fully naked men, which brought me to the realization that they’d probably touched themselves multiple times before getting in line for food, so I’m guessing the spoon handles weren’t exactly sanitary. But hey, the utensils looked clean, so I grabbed some food and tried not to think, then washed my hands.

But even washing my hands was an issue. I asked Bill the DJ where the restroom was, so he walked me inside and showed me his DJ booth, the dance floor (complete with poles for dancing), and pointed me towards a closed door. Not wanting to walk in on something, I asked Bill if the bathroom was occupied, who then went through a series of knocks and verbal questions trying to get an answer out of someone. Apparently, people just hang in the bathroom waiting for someone to come in…I was glad to avoid any such ambush. The bathroom was a little dirty, not as bad as you might think (I’ve seen worse in gas stations), and had a paper towel dispenser like you’d see at a usual business. At least they’re trying to be somewhat sanitary.

Set two begins and I have a couple people sitting across from me half dressed, which is a welcomed audience. A few tunes into the set, some lady that I don’t recognize sit’s down next to me letting me know that the house is between parties and Bob was hoping I could take a long break and then play till 9. Apparently, there were two party shifts, afternoon and late night. Curious to see how rowdy the late night group would get, I agreed to 8:30 and took another break. At this point, the girl running the sex toy booth next to me had come over and implied something about me staying afterwards and partying. There was little question as to what she meant by “partying”, and my small audience who overheard the comment had to crack some joke about this chick “having her hands on all the guys at this party.” I shrugged off the invitation, which I was thankful for after I saw what she had to offer, which she inadvertently displayed in my direction while apparently trying to explain some product to a client at her sex toy table…I’m guessing some sort of piercing, but I guess I’ll never know. Bill the DJ did say she had a nice ass, however.

So I take another break, which I spend sitting at my keyboard due to a lack of desire to explore other areas of the property. I see a new group of people starting to enter the party and start playing again when Bill turns off the music in his DJ booth. This is my third set and really my only one with a decent, interactive audience. At this point, people are coming by and grabbing the microphone and singing some tunes karaoke style. Now I’ve had my patch cables go through a lot in my gigging career, but I never thought I’d see a heavy set girl trying to sing “Proud to be an American” with one of my cables getting buried into her chest. The majority of my crowd though was clothed, which surprised me considering this was the late night crowd (though there were no fewer than four fully nude people in the hot tub behind me). I then started to have a little fun with the crowd, changing certain lyrics to reflect the nudist situation, and cracking jokes about the random naked men that might cross in front of my keyboard from time to time. But it’s great when you can do “Sweet Caroline” and at the part that says “Hands, touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you”, I have the opportunity to get people to literally touch each other. Meanwhile, who knows what the hot tub crew was doing behind me, and I can only hope that the lyric book I gave them to look through didn’t get molested too terribly, and don’t forget the two random goats that are still hopping around. 8:30 came and went and it wasn’t till 8:45 that I noticed what time it was, at which point I decided to continue till 9 and finish the set out. I thanked everyone, said goodnight, and began packing up. I moved my equipment out of my area while two people got it on in the hot tub behind me, which was amusing because there was a different position with every trip I made back and forth to the car.

I’m fully packed up, ready to go, and after turning down a few invitations to stay and party that night, I try to find another restroom before departing. This restroom was not empty however, so just to serve as one last reminder of where I was before I left, the bathroom door opened as a woman stepped out and the man behind her adjusted his pants, complaining to me “what’s the big rush?”. I find Bob, get paid, exchange some chitchat about the event, and successfully leave the party.

But all in all, despite everything I’ve recounted here, I actually really enjoyed the party. As one of my listeners commented while I was packing up, after you party there, no other party will ever really compare. As soon as you let go of the strangeness of what was going on and accepted the fully nude people that are walking past the keyboard as part of the scenery, everything just became humorous. Everywhere you looked there was a joke to be made, and everyone knew it. And because of the nature of the event, the people were really friendly and laid back (not to be confused with getting laid), creating a welcoming environment. After the initial shock of seeing the nudists, the first BJ, first intercourse, first anything, I just accepted it for what it was and did my best to enjoy the show (within reason). People were having a great time, and that energy is infectious. In talking to Bob at the end, I told him I came in not knowing what to expect, but actually enjoyed myself as I got settled in and would even be interested in doing other gigs there. Turns out these parties are thrown every week, however music is brought in maybe twice a year. I don’t know that the opportunity will present itself again (I was a last minute solution to a band who bailed on the gig), but I truthfully enjoyed the gig if for nothing more than the challenge of finding the humor in the situation. I certainly saw things I could have lived without, and that night I had crazy messed up dreams, but it all adds to the experience and the thrill that goes along with diving head first into a situation completely alone.

Thanks for reading this unusual post and following my facebook posts. And if you’re throwing a nudist/swinger party, please don’t hesitate to contact me for bookings. Cheers!